Our fledgling DD relationship has effectively had a few weeks off. First we were away visiting T's family, and then our whole family proceeded to come down with the flu. Tom is pretty much well now, our son still has traces, but I've really been battling trying to get clear. Throughout this time, Tom basically called a time out on punishment and has been very lenient with me. Unfortunately, this has led to my getting laxer and laxer on the rules (like respect/obedience and lack of back talk).
Last night I took it one step too far and and managed to get Tom really riled up with my attitude. I was promptly told to get up out of bed and was given my second real DD lecture ( and this was way more than the first one), during which I was advised that he was done trying to be nice while I was unwell, and that starting in the morning we were back full on with rules and consequences. I have no doubt that he is very serious. I can't remember the last time I've seen him so mad. When he was done making me feel bad , I was promptly sent to bed and told that there would be no internet privileges today.
Two things sprang from this lecture:
1. For the first time since we started DD I really felt remorse for my actions. For the first time, instead of just being worried about how bad my punishment would be, I felt terrible for disappointing him, I felt terrible for being disrepectful and possibly hurtful. I've never been able to cry during a spanking but I came close to it last night just from a lecture!
2. This is rather embarassing to admit, but after I got into bed after the lecture I found myself VERY aroused and really hoping we would have some, ahem "cuddles" when he got into bed. We didn't, but I am surprised at this reaction to a pretty intense lecture. He was still pretty steamed though and said it was time to sleep in a tone that brooked no argument.
A sane person would have been grateful I wasn't punished last night, especially considering how angry he was. Don't get me wrong, I was and AM. But that just makes my decision this morning so messed up. I was home later than usual this morning, and after Tom left I wanted to go online and check out some blogs.......
Did I remember the internet ban for today? Yes. Why did I do it? I don't know! I don't want to be punished ( I know from last time that my days of light punishments are likely behind me now), and I wasn't trying the testing thing again.......I think it was just a case of old fashioned immature rebelliousness. What I don't understand is why? I am the one that wanted this lifestyle and when I start to get it I rebel!
Originally I figured that I would turn the computer off, go to work and he would never be any the wiser. And then......guilt set in. Guilt with a capital G. I think the effect of that lecture last night was still with me. I didn't just feel guilty, I felt ashamed of myself, I felt appalled that I would do this to him after he was good enough to just warn me last night.I felt terrible for disappointing him. I also knew that I couldn't hide this from him.
By 11am I had snapped and emailed him my confession. I got a short terse email back referencing my taking a while to learn things. But he did say that my being honest about it helped my cause. So now I wait, to find out my fate. (hey that rhymes!). And for the first time I don't have some secret excitement or anticipation about an upcoming punishment. This time I'm just full on dreading it. Does this mean it's really starting to feel real???
P.S. I wrote this at work on my lunchhour. For obvious reasons the internet ban doesn't extend to work, but Im suddenly wondering if being on the internet at work for personal purposes would fall under the ban? Hmm not sure I want to ask him about that one as its already too late and Im in trouble enough!
