The Beginning

Here goes nothing...or everything, depending how you look at it.   I have no idea what kind of a blogger I am, or will be....for all I know this will be my only post....or I'll post bucketloads and no one will ever read it.

I really don't know when I found out about any form of organized domestic discipline, but I know that for a long time I always imagined how nice it would be to have an old fashioned kind of marriage....back when men were men, took charge and took control (within reason of course!).  Over a decade ago I came across a now defunct site called fondlybutfirmly.com,  which was the first I had found that focussed on DD,  and while I was fascinated by it I never got up the courage to bring it up to my boyfriend at the time.

Long story short it seems like it was always there in the back of my head but I never felt I was in a relationship that it would be possible with. Looking back I realize now that I always had a tendency to take control in my romantic relationships, even though deep down I wanted the guy to.  Eventually the relationship would peter out, Id always feel like I had just tired of the person. Its only now that I realize what I was tiring of was of being the "man" in the relationship and once the initial "honeymoon" phase wore off I was back to wanting something different.

I'm not sure why I was so afraid to bring DD up to my husband of five years when I did.  To some extent in the beginning of our relationship I was submissive in a lot of ways but I didn't realize until we started DD and there were some facets of submission that I had unconsciously been doing .    By the time I spoke to husband it, we were in trouble.  I had gone from feeling like we would be done the minute our small son left home to wondering if we would make it that long.  We weren't fighting....we rarely fought....we just...weren't.    Almost like we didn't care enough to fight...at least that was what I felt. Alot contributed to it, I had a child, I had health issues for a couple of years that only got resolved last year, I lost my father........along the way I lost myself.  Was it depression? I really don't know.  I just know I pulled back on alot of things.  The more it went on , the less respectful of my husband I became.  I totally took him for granted and had started to begrudge any time I had to spend with him.  I took no joy in doing anything for him, and to be honest was doing as little as possible.

But deep down I knew he was still a wonderful guy, and there was love for him, it was just buried under a bunch of junk and bad habits.  I started doing more and more research and digging into DD and tried to find a way to get the courage to bring it up to him. As it happened, we were fighting when I did.  Actually I'm not sure you could call it a fight.  He had finally been annoyed at me to express it, and, as I always did whenever he tried to get through to me, I just got angry and fired back at him, and lectured him about everything wrong HE did and had been doing for the last couple of years, taking no accountability for my own actions.  Somehow in the middle of it all I started talking about the DD and him taking control of our marriage.  I can only imagine how stunned he must have been considering my behaviour over the last couple of years.

It stunned me that he agreed to it and seemed to think it was a good idea!  It stunned both of us how quickly things changed between us.  We are suddenly attracted to each other again, (we could have counted on 1 hand the number of times we had made love in the preceding 4 years), we can't wait to get home to each other.  It feels like the very beginning again, except so much better because we were reconnecting with someone we already loved.

I don't know how much longer we would have lasted, he doesn't like to admit that it was as bad as I describe it, but he did say he was reaching a breaking point and doesn't know what he was going to do about it.  

We aren't perfect at it yet, but we're starting to iron the kinks out....will have to see how far this takes us....