I’ve spent an awful lot of time in the last three months moaning to myself (or others on chat) that my HOH is not consistent enough, not serious enough etc etc. I’m now starting to wonder, is it really his consistency that’s at issue or is it my own insecurity about this new lifestyle ?Anytime he is not correcting me or warning me, or doing something “HOHish”, I instantly start to worry that he’s changed his mind, doesn’t want this, or was just humoring me. At first I started questioning him ad nauseum….”are you liking this? Do you want to keep doing this? Are you sure? You aren’t just saying that?”. I wanted as many rules as we could think of, and then add some more……all to make sure there were plenty of chances for me to mess up and have him prove he wanted to do this. Eventually I worked it out that he was getting very fed up with my constant nagging and I knew I had to stop it before he just gave up on me/DD.
That led me into my testing phase. From what I’ve read a lot of us newbies do it, and almost all the veterans try to warn against it. For me I think testing him, (ie purposely breaking a rule to see what he’ll do), had more to do with giving me the reassurance I was no longer verbally asking for. I also realized that this would also eventually lead to him getting fed up with it all.
My insecurities are slowly receding, but it still frustrates me. On some weird level it’s almost like I’m not relaxed and happy unless he’s being stern with me, or correcting me. Not sure if this is a normal part of adjusting to the lifestyle or if I am just a freak!Every time he doesn’t let something slide it gives me more ammunition against the doubt and fear. It also makes me respect him more, and respect the seriousness of my agreement to be submisive to him……….which makes me want to test or disappoint him less. Hmmmmmmmm wonder how long I go being this calm and rational?!