3 mos in......What I've learned so far

3 months in I can  say that our biggest challenge with DD is consistency. (I've also learned that that is NOT an uncommon challenge in this lifestyle).

But as I type that , I wonder........is that entirely fair?  Maybe it would be more accurate to say that while it has been an issue, perhaps the bigger issue has been my inability to accept that Tom has agreed to this new lifestyle, and I feel an almost constant need to be reassured that he is "on board" and we are "still doing this". That's probably the topic for another post, I think the bigger issue is that I have resisted really giving up control.

Reflecting on the last 3 months has brought me to to the following realizations:

• Just because he is not following MY expectations to the letter, does that mean he's doing it wrong?  Or am  I still trying to control how my giving up control takes place.  Sounds nuts doesn't it, but it's exactly what I have been doing.   Now I just need to stop it!  Anyone have any advice on this???
  
• From the beginning I tried to control how we would do this...even the first set of rules we drew up included ( and written by ME), a list of his responsibilities, basically a How To guide for him on how to take the lead on our marriage.  How the heck is that ever going to work????  I'm slowing learning that he will find his own way to lead, and it may not be the way I envisioned or what it "says in the book". Suffice it to say, it didn't take me long to realize how insane my rules of him were and they were  removed from the list. He kept the smugness to a minimum, guess he knew deep down I would come around.
  
•  Submission in theory vs in real life:  The concept of submitting to my husband's lead has always intrigued me, and quite honestly I have always secretly harboured the desire to be in such a relationship, even as I embarked on relationship after relationship without ever expressing this, or actively seeking such an arrangement.  Instead I would try to make a "regular" relationship work, while fantasizing about being with a "real  man".  Sometimes I would even secretly bemoan the fact that I was with someone and therefore unable to hook up with the kind of person I wanted.......(now there is a serious breakdown in logic if I ever heard one).  Wow, the poor buggers I was dating didn't have a chance!  All that being said, when I'm faced with the very acts of submission I know I crave, why is it so difficult?  Suddenly my pride puffs up and I resist the very thing I want. I am annoyed when  I don't follow the rules and there are no consequences, and I can be just as annoyed when he insists on them.  It begs the question....What the #$*!  do I really want?

The thing is, I know what I want.  THIS is what I want.  I just I've just been surprised that it has been an adjustment for me.  I knew it would be an adjustment for Tom, but I foolishly thought that because it was what I wanted it would just be smooth sailing from the get go for me.  Can you get any more naive than that????

The bottom line is, 3 months in, I don't regret asking Tom for this kind of relationship for a nano second.  Was I foolish to expect a seamless  transition for me? Of course I was!  Was I slight off my rocker to offer up control to my husband and then try to tell him what to do with it?  Yuuuuuup!  Is submission to him harder than I anticipated?  You bet.    Have I ever thought it was a mistake or wanted to go back to the way things were? Emphatic NO