Saturday, 8 September 2012

Is consistency really the issue?

I’ve spent an awful lot of time in the last three months moaning to myself (or others on chat) that my HOH is not consistent enough, not serious enough  etc etc.  I’m now starting to wonder, is it really his consistency that’s at issue or is it my own insecurity about this new lifestyle ?
Anytime he is not correcting me or warning me, or doing something “HOHish”, I instantly start to worry that he’s changed his mind, doesn’t want this, or was just humoring me.  At first I started questioning him ad nauseum….”are you liking this? Do you want to keep doing this? Are you sure? You aren’t just saying that?”.   I wanted as many rules as we could think of, and then add some more……all to make sure there were plenty of chances for me to mess up and have him prove he wanted to do this.   Eventually I worked it out that he was getting very fed up with my constant nagging and I knew I had to stop it before he just gave up on me/DD.

That led me into my testing phase.  From what I’ve read a lot of us newbies do it, and almost all the veterans try to warn against it.   For me I think testing him, (ie purposely breaking a rule to see what he’ll do), had more to do with giving me the reassurance I was no longer verbally asking for.  I also realized that this would also eventually lead to him getting fed up with it all. 

My insecurities are slowly receding, but it still frustrates me.  On some weird level it’s almost like I’m not relaxed and happy unless he’s being stern with me, or correcting me.  Not sure if this is a normal part of adjusting to the lifestyle or if I am just a freak!
Every time he doesn’t let something slide it gives me more ammunition against the doubt and fear.  It also makes me respect him more, and respect the seriousness of my agreement to be submisive to him……….which makes me want to test or disappoint him less.  Hmmmmmmmm wonder how long I go being this calm and rational?!


  1. Hey Kiddo. I think you are pretty normal. Starting dd is confusing for everyone. We are just about a month into dd and still trying to figure things out. (My husband is very reluctant to spank.). I feel like we are having he same conversations over and over and we are not resolving the issues.

    I think wanting the HoH to be stern is least at the start. :).
    We want them to say what they mean and follow through.

    It sounds like you are getting a handle on things. I will be looking forward to hearing more about your journey.

  2. I did the same thing Kiddo. I still do really. The questioning and the testing. I think it's natural. I was thinking that frequent maintenance in the beginning might be a good idea to alleviate this problem.

    On the other hand, inconsistency is common and contributes to the insecurities. In my case I'm sure it's a combination of both. I've accepted that it's all part of being a beginner and I look forward to getting past it.

    Great post! I'm sure newbies will find it very helpful.l

  3. I'm still not clear what the consequences were of you breaking the Internet ban. And, BTW, using it for personal use at work definitely breaks the ban.

  4. Hi Kiddo :)
    I think it is very insightful of you to question your own insecurities regarding this consistency issue, and very honest of you to admit to provoking him into action.
    This is such a difficult phase.
    You are not a freak, not at all. You are looking for some proof that this thing is up and would be reassuring, but you might not get it right away and you don't want it for some thing that doesn't feel natural.
    As difficult as it is, continue to submit to him, because for Ian, my husband, that was when things began to turn around. When he started to see the results in his life. He will openly say that he did not believe it was real for some time.
    A little thing that we did and still do may not be helpful - but here it is anyway.......

    When we have "state of the union" talks, we follow a ritual. Ian sits in a chair or on the bed, and he usually asks me to take off jeans or a skirt, just my panties and my t-shirt or whatever.
    I kneel on the floor between his knees and only he talks. I listen. I answer when he speaks to me, but I am there to just listen.
    He asks questions, and he will usually ask me if I have something I want to talk about, and I often do...but I have to wait to be asked.
    This became how we approach discipline, but in the beginning and sometimes now will still do it.
    Often there is no spanking involved, and lots of things are discussed, some that have nothing to do with, but the roles are clearly established during those times.

    Good luck, sweetie :)

  5. Be careful about testing. You may get far more than you bargained for, or you may tick him off so he stops completely.

    Work at finding motivation *within* to be submissive, to please, to honor, to respect...and focus on how this is good not just for you as an individual but for you as a couple.

    Welcome to blogland! Good luck.

  6. Issues with consistency are common, Kiddo. Interestingly enough, it's not only the wives who struggle with husbands' inconsistency (with the failure to punish, forgetting to defend the rules, etc.). Husbands have a similar struggle with wives who are inconsistent with the way they respect their husbands and the house rules. Both husbands and wives have to keep their focus on their own roles - a wife has to commit to submission wholeheartedly, and the husband has to develop a heart for leadership.